Dating gay dude
And since this week is Bisexual Awareness Week, and I’m feeling sentimental, I’m reflecting on the lessons that relationship taught me, and the ways I learned from him — because my ex-boyfriend was bisexual. The reality was far from it: He was unbearably monogamous and loyal to a fault.He was a true "50-50" bi guy, a lover of men and women, not an “attention-seeker” or a "halfway-there gay man" or any of the ridiculous and offensive claims people make about bisexuals. This led to his heartache, since he was trying to date me, a gay guy who was not monogamously inclined (and still isn’t), a guy who was too immature to say, “Hey, I’m not really looking for a relationship.” This seems basic, but it's unfortunately still necessary to note in an ongoing effort to counteract this bizarre notion that someone who is attracted to multiple genders will inevitably miss having sex with people of the gender they’re not sleeping with, and cheat. For him, as well as for many others, his claim to bisexuality wasn’t a transitional phase or halfway point between straight and gay.
People would meet up online, engage in cybersex, organize sex dates, or trade pornographic pictures and videos. I’d go to a chatroom, chat with some strangers, and end up trading pictures with them. I’d spend hours on AOL chatting and trading pictures with strangers. My mind was already made up; I was going to blow him. You understand the principle, but you’re gonna suck at it for awhile. I learned a lot that day about giving blowjobs and how incredibly awkward they can be. Or simply more evidence that teenagers are horny and can get turned on by the slightest attention paid to their cocks? There was just the small issue of being turned on by naked guys. The thought of fooling around with guys turned me on, but I couldn’t picture myself kissing them. I could see myself being sexual, but anything more than that turned me off. I still looked at photos of naked guys but didn’t have another experience with a guy for another ten years.
Every time I logged on to AOL, I’d hear the iconic “You’ve got mail” and open up my inbox to a plethora of porn. One day I received a private message from a guy claiming to be 18 years old. I’d somehow mustered up the courage to get this far so I figured I might as well go all the way. You don’t quickly forget giving your first blowjob. Maybe out of fear or perhaps just because I didn’t like it.
But even if a bisexual person does cheat, it's hardly evidence that bisexuality inclines a person toward infidelity. But I understand where this misconception comes from.
At most, it's only evidence that the person cheated and is therefore not presently cut out for monogamous dating. Many gay guys (myself included) claim to be bisexual as a sort of "baby step" out of the closet.
Although it’s not intended to hurt anyone — many of us do it in an effort to protect ourselves from the homophobia of our friends and family — our temporary claims of bisexuality damage credibility and the dating field for those whose bisexuality is not temporary. My ex watched lesbian porn one night and it made me really uncomfortable.
The whole time I thought, It was childish, but the feeling is understandable: He was clearly attracted to something I would never be able to offer him, and I feared that unmet desire would cause him to seek satisfaction elsewhere.
In the long run, our relationship changed me for the better — at his expense.
He had every right to hate me, as did all of his friends and all of his family, who welcomed me for a two-week stay one summer when we were together.
When I finally told him the truth, answering his oft-asked inquiries about my infidelity with a final, fateful yes, we remained locked in a toxic back-and-forth, shouting insults at each other for a month.
Until about six months ago, when my phone buzzed with a text message from a name I never expected to see on my screen again: “Do you want to get coffee? I needed to tell him I was sorry, he needed to tell me how much I had hurt him, and we both needed to hug. Sure, he may have technically had more options than me — he was drawn to men and women, while I was only drawn to men — but that didn’t make him any more promiscuous or untrustworthy than the next guy.